Jackson...

So my baby came home from school today in tears..He was in tears, and said to me mommy, my friend Alex wouldnt play with me the game I wanted to play today at recess, and when I asked him if I could play his game he said no...and mommy, it just broked my heart..

This is what I was afraid of, and I know I can't do anything about. I realize, compared to alot of things that are going to happen to my son, this is not a big deal, but I it makes me sad.

Jackson, has had his share of troubles, throughout his 6 year old little life. My pregnancy with him was rough, with the horrible morning sickness, and the surgery with gallbladder problems, and then the constant monitoring him on a weekly basis, for 14 weeks, it was hard to say the least, but I knew I wanted this, and if it was hard so be it... Before the age of 2, he had 24 ear infections, tubes twice, and still the infections kept coming, finally at age 3, they decided to do another set of tubes, and remove his adenoids.
Then a few months later, due to all the antibiotics he had been on for his ears, his two front teeth developed holes, and gray spots on them...They had to be removed..

He's always been a challenging child, alot of fits, and tantrums, and kicking, and hitting and screaming...For the longest time, i just thought he was a brat. I thought, I've just spoiled him, let him have whatever he wanted, because he was the only one I had, and my first child, this..was my fault....

We continued the next few years on the same path, we spanked, it didn't work, we stopped...If we even attempted time outs, we would be exhausted, before he would even have think about giving up. He's very strong, and at times, I know he's stronger than me..

With my husbands job, we moved around alot, we started out in Nixa, moved about 3 hours away, and then to South Dakota for 3 years, back to MO, and then to Wyoming...While the first few days in Wyoming were very hard, we started an even harder fight with Jackson.
He would be fine, and pleasant, and we'd have a good time around each other, and then, SNAP,
He would go off the deep end...Screaming, kicking, cussing, throwing fits, hurting me, and his brother, physically and emotionally..I thought, here we go again...
The straw that broke the camels back was when he ran out the front door, and took off..I chased him and chased him, my husband was at work, and I had 2 other children in the house..After I caught him, i said that's it..I'm done..something has to be done about this, this cannot be normal..



I never wanted to be the mom that put her kid on medicine, I always turned my nose up too parents that did that...until I had a child who needed it...

That day I called the pediatrician and made an appointment for the next day...I was scared, scared they were going to tell me his was a physcopath, at this point I felt like a horrible mother, I'd call my mother at home in tears, because, I couldn't do this, i'm not strong enough, I couldn't handle it, and didn't have the strength to try..at the same time I was saying this, I was thinking to myself, you love him, and your a strong person, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, and take care of this child, he's yours, and you have to fix him..I still feel like a horrible mother..and maybe I am..I just don't know...

We got there, and the dr came in, did all the normal checking him over..then he turned to me and said.."what's going on" I told him all the things that had been happening, and he asked Jackson alot of questions, and went over alot of things, we talked, he talked, I cried, and cried...He diagnosed Jackson...with ADHD..

Dr. prescribed a medicine called Adderall, amongst other treatments, and books, and such, he still gave us medicine....All i could think of was, whats my husband going to say, am I a lazy mother, should I try other things, is this going to hurt him, and then again, I thought...I'm going to put him on these meds, and...I'm a horrible mother..

After speaking with my mom, and my husband, we decided to try it...with the thinking that the first time we see him acting like a zombie or anything..we were yanking him off of it....

To our surprise...it worked...I was eating my words...

Over the next few months we had to adjust it a few times, raising and lowering of doses until we found the one that was righ tfor him, it was much more calm around the house, now don't get me wrong, it didn't change him overnight, and he still threw fits, and tantrums, after all, he's a kid..and that's what kids do.., but this medicine, made my son, tolerable....

Then one day, Jackson asked me about the weather...he didn't just say Mom, how's the weather outside, he said, "is it gonna rain" , "is it going to thunder", "are we getting a tornado", "is it gonna flood"...he did it in that order, 56 TIMES!

I searched and searched, and worried, and searched the internet..which of course I always do, and I see the first thing, and immediatly think he's got whatever it said. LOL, my husband calls it the highway for too much information, and says, stop with that crap, your just being silly..
But i knew, I knew in the pit of my stomach, he was OCD..

I was right, that's what the dr said as well, he gave me three choices, leave it alone, and hope it goes away, try a medication, or discipline him for it..Now that just sounded stupid to me, especially, when he would go into asking me these questions, he would have this sad look on his face, like, he didnt really want to ask me these things, but something was forcing him to, and he couldnt help it...no time outs or trouble, this..wasn't his fault.., hoping it would go away, just wasn't an option either...so we chose to try medicine....he gave us something called Zoloft...
After weighing it all out we tried it...it worked! Not bad side effects, no zombie, I had my Jackson back..somewhat, the medicine didn't make him a perfect child, but is there such a thing...


Jackson has been on these medicines since Aug...over the next few months, we saw some changes in him, that were starting to worry us...he was very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, when you looked in his eyes, he wasn't there, it was a stare, a child, i didn't know at times, I would look at him to try and have a conversation with him, and he wouldn't ever look at me for very long, and when i did see his eyes, they always wandered, and it was like he was somewhere else...another place..

Jackson is a very smart child, he worked a computer, and a cellular phone (mine of course) at the age of 2...at age 3, he was going thru the tv guide spouting off titles of shows, and movies, and things so un imaginable, you had to see it, to believe it..He was amazing, the things he knew how to do.
We moved back home to MO in November...Jacksons started to get up at 3, 4, and 5:00 am..He'd be fine, until you asked him to do something, and then again...SNAP! crazy look in his eyes, said horrible horrible things...I thought, what is going on, so I took him to the pediatrician, thinking, maybe the side effects, and the weird things from the medicine are just now happenning.. ...then Dr. M walked in...

She spent 2 and a half hours with us, and said...I have a daughter with ADHD, and this isn't ADHD...she spent 45 minutes, just talking to Jackson...he doesn't make eye contact, has it always been like that? does he have friends he plays with? can he carry on a conversation? does he find one thing and master it? what does he do at home? ...I was worried where this was going with all those questions...I mean I've read up alot on what she was about to tell me..one of my biggest fears ever....and she says reluctantly, cause she could tell what I was thinking...Aspbergers Syndrome....I thought, huh? She said...Autisim...

I love my son, I love him more than I ever thought it was possbile to love someone, I love his smile, and his beautiful eyes, and his personality, and his laugh, I love his sense of humor, I love his heart...His heart is so big, and he's always thinking of other people. He's a great child, and I know that he can't control the things he's saying, and doing, and that breaks my heart...My mom has said for as long as I can remember, that having children is the biggest heartache you will ever have...and she's right..it hurts...It hurts because I can't do everything for him, he's growing up, it's like having your heart outside of your body walking around, and sending it to school, and nowadays..this world is scary, shootings at schools, and bombs, and planes into buildings, can't go outside and play cause someone might snatch you up, it's crazy...it hurts..I can only protect them so much...I hope I can teach him to be a good person, I hope I can show him the rights and wrongs...I hope he's happy, he's made me so happy, even in the fits, and the things he says...I love him so much, and I'm so glad he's a part of my life...no matter what...he's mine....

What to say...

So I've decided to start a blog...I've done nothing like this before, and I may totally suck at it, but hey, don't like? don't read! lol, and trust me I think i'm funny...but i'm not really, but who cares, no one is probobly reading this anyways!

So where do I begin?...

Well, I'm married, he's gorgeous, and beautiful, and loving, and a smartass, and has the most beautiful eyes, I've ever seen...and for some dang reason, he married me!!!!

We have 3 kids...(please don't ask me if I'm crazy, clearly I already know..hullo! I have 3 kids)

Jackson- 6 yrs old going on 17, he knows everything, and if he asks you a question, he already knows the answer to it, so if you ever thought you were right...your prolly not, because he knows everything! The human head weighs 8lbs duh!

Taylor-almost 3..oh my god that child! I buy him clothes I swear, and cute ones at that, I'll admit it alot of things he has have been handed down, but still i buy them..and I dress him at least once a day..but you'd never know it..cause he HATES clothes..

Gracie--just turned 1...I couldn't wait to have a girl..she's totally going to be the death of me!!!
She learned to walk around 9 months...yeah i said it, 9 months! and after 2 boys, totally was ready for the girly girl, dresses and hairbows, and pretty shoes, and frilly socks...HATES anything resembling girly stuff...I made her a tutu...she tore it to shreds...I bought her a xmas dress...hated it..it was funny though, it was a little long, so when she would fall down, and try to get back up..she'd step on the dress and fall right back down...i thought it was hilarious..

We've just moved back to Missouri, after traveling the North for a bit, not because of vacation or anything.no no..furthest thing...he worked for walmart...ugh, i shudder the word...but, it paid the bills for 7 years, and we've moved on..It's still weird to actually live in springfield...like with my husband and children and have my own address...I'm still kinda excited...

so that's all..paineless i suppose...we'll see what the rest has in store...until then!